Bad kids.
Few things irk me more than hearing
someone refer to some kid as a bad kid. Or even if they don’t say
it but instead imply it, I hate the very idea of identifying kids as
if they are their behavior. I don’t work with bad kids. I work with
kids who, for reasons either biological or environmental, have
problems with their behavior. The same implies for all people, but
since I work with kids I’d like to focus on them specifically.
In my job I get some background
information on the kids in my care that helps me understand a little
bit of what drives them to do and react in the ways they do. It’s
helpful to a point, but it’s far more important to get to know the
whole person. Simply looking at a kid as a set of behaviors or
problems is a convenient way to save our own feelings and it makes it
easier to write them off so they won’t be our problem, but it
solves nothing.
Let’s just imagine for a moment that
we could look at each child and get a glimpse of them through God’s
eyes. God sees what we don’t see. He sees each person’s private
pain. He sees the errant ideas we each are given about our identity,
the people around us, how problems are resolved, and a whole host of
things. In other words, He sees the whole picture and the reason
behind the things we do. So please indulge me and take a little trip
behind the scenes of a child’s personal drama through some
composites of cases I’ve encountered over the years.
Pauly
Pauly is 9 years old. He seems
friendly, affectionate and charming when you meet him. You can’t
imagine why Pauly would be a danger to himself or others enough to
need to be in a locked facility. After all, he’s so adorable,
right? RIGHT? And then there he is, ignoring everything you say,
calling you names you doubt even the most hardened sailor knows, and
hitting you so hard he bruises you all up. You then find out Pauly is
on close observation because he was caught trying to force a younger
kid into a sexual act.
Wow. Pauly isn’t the sweet, loving
kid you thought, right? What a little monster. How could he do all
this? He must just be some kind of bad seed-a budding sociopath.
Cut to a new scene:
Pauly is 9 years old. From as early as
he can remember, he has been an object. He’s had to share many a
bed, including his parents’ bed since he was old enough to walk.
When he was 5 years old, a family friend came to visit for a weekend.
Pauly’s dad dressed him in a cute and skimpy outfit, then sent him
to the guest bedroom as a gift to “Uncle Joe.” Since that weekend
there had been many “Uncle Joes” and some “aunts” as well,
all eager for Pauly’s company. When Pauly turned 7, his mom and
dad encouraged him to bring friends home from school, and to “play
around” with them. Soon some of Pauly’s special friends were
added to the family business as well. Finally, someone told the
police and Pauly was taken from his parents.
Still think Pauly’s a “bad kid?”
Zach
Zach is 7 years old when he appears on
your scene. He’s very compliant, friendly and seems a really sweet
little guy. You’re enjoying working with him and you just lightly
put your hand on his shoulder. Zach freaks out. It’s like a Jekyll
and Hyde scenario. The calm, sweet little boy goes on a rampage,
tearing up everything in the entire living area, showing incredible
strength for his scrawny little frame. Then, as suddenly as he blew
up, Zach collapses to the floor, balling up into a fetal position,
clawing at his own skin and drawing blood.
Dang. He seemed like such a sweet
little boy? What happened? He must have parents who just let him get
away with everything he wants. With a tantrum like that, it has to be
the only explanation, right?
New Scene:
Zach is 7 years old. It’s dark in the
basement where he’s handcuffed to this chair. He doesn’t even
understand what he did to make mommy and daddy so mad. His brothers
and sisters are here too, or tied up in other rooms. This is pretty
typical, though. This is what happens when mommy and daddy get mad.
At least he got to eat today. Last time, mommy hit him with the
spatula for a long time and locked him in his room for a week without
food. Zach has some sense that other families aren’t like his, but
for him this is just normal.
Are you seeing Zach a little
differently now?
Amanda
Amanda is 10 years old. She’s an
emotional roller coaster. One moment she is charming, witty, and
engaging, the next moment flying off the handle, throwing everything
in sight. In addition, she behaves provocatively, even seductively.
The first day you meet her, she tries to sit in your lap and asks for
a kiss. You find out that just last week she talked one of the boys
into running away, promising him sex. She’s a very attractive girl,
but at times will mark her face up with markers and try to hide from
everyone. In addition, your cell phone went missing yesterday and
was later found in Amanda’s room with 5 calls having been made from
it.
What are you thinking of Amanda? Wow,
what a thieving little slut, eh? Already putting herself out there at
her age, and taking things from people. And what is up with all the
violence?
Scene change:
Amanda is 10 years old. Her mom has
little time for her since her daddy left when Amanda was only a
toddler. Mom has been busy trying to find love herself, dating
whenever she can. They’ve lived with 4 different men since the time
Amanda’s daddy abandoned them and never looked back. Two of the
men wanted little to do with little Amanda, but the second and third
paid her special attention-attention that included making her do
things her mom wasn’t willing to do for them but that a little girl
had no power to stop. The latest of Mom’s boyfriends regularly
locked Amanda out of the house whenever mom was off at work.
Surprised?
Terry
Terry is a strange 11 year old boy.
He’s compliant overall and not unfriendly, but doesn’t seem to
know how to get along with the other kids. Because of this he spends
a lot of time to himself-not always by choice. He’s very whiny and
needy much of the time, and very often is in your personal space,
clingy, and creepily affectionate. You have to regularly check his
drawers because he is prone to steal the girls’ clothes. Many times
he has run out of his room in nothing but girls’ panties or a
miniskirt with tank top. The other night he called out for help while
he was in the shower, and when you went to see what he needed he made
very obviously seductive poses at you while touching himself.
How are you feeling about Terry so far?
What assumptions are you making, assuming you know nothing besides
the behavior you’ve seen from him? A pervert? Gross and creepy?
Screen goes black:
Terry is 11 years old. Social Services
just took him from his mother due to reckless endangerment. He was
found wandering the streets at 1 am, and when an officer took him
home, no adult was present in the home, the home was filthy, and
there were needles, foil, and other drug paraphernalia lying open all
over the apartment. Terry has been primarily taking care of himself
since he was 5 years old. He never knew his father, and his mother
had mostly been gone at nights or sitting at home high. Mom often
paid for her habit by selling her body, but as drugs degraded her
appearance , many of the men were more interested in 5-year-old Terry
than his mother. So this became Terry’s role as the “provider.”
Terry had no friends because the other kids found him “weird” and
even if he did make a friend, one time coming over to play with him
scared them off.
How do you see Terry now?
Lukas
Lukas is 9 years old. He has recently
been all over the local and national news. You see, Lukas has been
charged with his little brother and sisters’ deaths. Lukas snuck
into the bathroom when his 8-year-old sister was in the bath and held
her head underwater until she drowned. He then went into his
6-year-old brother’s room and bashed his head repeatedly against
the windowpane until he was dead. In school his teachers have been
afraid of him for the past 2 years because of his violent outbursts.
They’ve been afraid for themselves and for the other children.
How could a 9-year-old be so
cold-blooded? Obviously this is a bad seed that nobody could have
prevented from becoming a killer, right? Best thing to do would be to
lock him up forever, because he’s beyond help.
New scene:
Lukas is 9 years old. At the age of 3,
he and his younger brother and sister were taken from their parents
due to suspicion of neglect and abuse. Over the next year all three
were shuffled from foster home to foster home, sometimes together
while other times separate from each other. His mom got them back
the following year and moved to a different state where child
services couldn’t hound her. She doted on little brother and
sister, while Lukas became the focus of her rage. On a daily basis
Lukas was beaten with extension cords, kitchen utensils, or whatever
happened to be handy when his mother deemed something to be his
fault. Before long, brother and sister caught on to idea that Lukas
was the designated punching bag, so their standard response when
confronted about anything was “Lukas did it,” or “Lukas MADE
me,” which of course only made things worse for him. One day a
social worker came to the house after one of Lukas’ teachers
reported her suspicions that Lukas was being abused. That evening,
after having told the right lies, and after his mom had done what she
felt was a good charm job on the social worker, it was Lukas’ turn
to pay. His mom gave him an extra hard beating and then made him take
a hot salt water bath, then sit at home while she took little brother
and sister to McDonald's for dinner. That was their last night.
Still judging Lukas?
We get sick of the old cliché about
not judging someone until we’ve walked a mile in their shoes, but
we miss the very point. We DON’T understand what’s going on
under the surface of the evil things people do. It seems that anytime
you suggest that it would be good to use some empathy and try to
understand someone may be acting out of their own pain, someone
immediately accuses you of trying to make excuses for them or justify
their behavior. That’s simply not what we will do if we try to see
the person instead of their actions. Instead we’ll be able to
separate the person from the actions that we rightfully condemn, and
yet be able to love and try to restore that person.
God is not like us. He sees the pain
that drives us to make evil choices. And He loves us regardless. It
is His expressed desire to restore us with His love. As we are, we’re
not capable of loving people like that, but our need is to accept
that love for us, and then we will be able to be conduits of it
toward others.
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