I’ve mostly worked in residential
facilities in my career, but I’ve also worked in some school-based
and after-school programs. I’d thought I’d forgotten the
interesting stories that came out of those, but as I write some of
them have begun popping up in my head.
“Nick” was 11 years old when I
began working at the after school mental health program. He did NOT
like me. This came as no surprise to my co-workers in the program
because of the fact that I had the audacity to have been born male.
Nick, due to a long bad history with men who were abusive, did not
often let men into his world.
For the first school year I worked in
the program I had little contact with Nick as he was usually in the
other of two classrooms in the program. But occasionally one of us
would have to cover a mental health group for someone else in the
other room, or the whole group would come together for the rare
occasion.
It wasn’t until that summer that I
began to work with Nick more regularly. As our program was based in a
middle school, our summer program moved to the residential facility
which sponsored the program. We had more combined groups in the
summer, and also we shared swim time in the residential facility’s
pool.
Nick and I developed a “relationship” of
sorts. He was just as sarcastic as I am, and so I think trading barbs
in a friendly way helped open the door and help him feel safe with me
as I didn’t take offense at his sarcasm. I also think it helped
that I don’t sugar coat the truth for the kids I work with. I try
to be polite, but if I think a kid’s just being a bully or a
constant whiner, I tell them.
That summer I had found a couple really
cool pairs of round “John Lennon” style shades. And of course I’d
wear them when we went outside, particularly when monitoring the kids
at the pool. One day Nick told me “You better watch out. I’m
gonna steal those sunglasses when you’re not looking.” It became
a daily ritual of sorts until one day I told him “I’ll tell you
what. On your last day in program, I’m going to GIVE you these.”
He of course told me he was going to hold me to my word.
There were more little milestones which
signaled trust. We were playing around one day in a group I joked
around about him being so skinny I could throw him out the little
slit of a window we had. Of course it was clearly too small so it was
an obvious exaggeration. But he dared me and I picked him up like I
was going to do it. And we both got a big kick out of it. Later a
co-worker and I were talking and I said “a few months ago I
wouldn’t have even been able to get NEAR Nick, let alone pick him
up like that.”
At the end of the summer we packed up
and moved all of the program’s stuff back to the middle school. But
the school had need of the two rooms we had been using and so
consigned us to a large (and very echo-y) space that wasn’t being
used. Due to the new accommodations we ended up combining both
classrooms into one big group. It actually reduced our workload some
because each of us had to plan and facilitate fewer groups, but it
also increased the drama within the now larger group.
I recall one incident where things
became so out of hand that we had to call the police to assist. Nick
was one of the kids who had gotten out of hand in that situation, and
so had to talk to the officers. Other than that, Nick had often
become a positive leader within the group.
I don’t recall if that was the
incident which precipitated it, but one day a social worker had shown
up with Nick. (I invite my former co-workers to fill in any details
for me since I’m sure they recognize who I’m talking about) She
explained that Nick was refusing to return to program. We of course
tried to encourage him to continue and resolve whatever the problem
was as he would be graduating from the program before too long
anyway. He was determined, so I piped up.
“Remember I said I would give you
those shades on your last day. I’m going to run down to my car and
get them because they’re yours.” He said don’t bother, that it
was fine. But I insisted. When I jogged back up with them (we were a
few floors up) I told him “I promised you these, and keeping my
word means a lot to me. I couldn’t let you leave without giving you
these.” Nick was a bit speechless, but said thanks before leaving.
It wasn’t too much later that Nick
voluntarily started coming to program again, and continued to excel
as the natural leader he is.
The day finally came when Nick
graduated from the program. At his goodbye party he had a little
something to say to each of us. When he came to me, he recalled the
day I wouldn’t let him leave until I ran down and back up the
stairs, just to keep my promise of giving him a stupid pair of
shades. He was actually in tears as he told me how much that impacted
him as he was so used to men breaking promises to him. Okay, we were
BOTH in tears. I couldn’t have known that it would be as important
to him as it was to me, and one of the reasons he came back when he
was determined to leave.
I saw Nick a few times after that. He
lived close to some friends of mine and so I had seen him walking
past when I was leaving. I think I even gave him a lift down the
street one time. I’m still amazed that I could have gone from being
someone a kid wanted NOTHING to do with to someone he actually
trusted and liked.
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