Smartass. . . And a PAIN in the ass.

It’s unavoidable in my job that every staff will have certain kids they enjoy working with more than others. For lack of a better word, one might call them “favorites,” although if we’re behaving professionally we won’t treat these children any better than the rest.

I rarely have a clear “favorite,” but normally two or three kids I particularly enjoy. This particular little guy I’ll refer to as “Jimmy” for the sake of confidentiality.

Jimmy is friendly, affectionate, charming, and a big smartass. I've gotten to interact with him at night on the occasions he gets up to the bathroom or has to shower due to wetting the bed, and so we've bonded a bit. During the day when he’s with all the other kids, Jimmy can be friendly, affectionate, charming, smartass. . . and a PAIN in the ass. I referred to him in an earlier post, Hard lessons and Jedi Mind Tricks—you should be able to easily figure out which one.

Jimmy had been excited the previous week when I told him I would be working the second shift referred to in that earlier post because I always make a point to give him a little positive attention. So the first time I saw him after that rough night, I made sure to touch base with him. Jimmy had wet the bed a few nights afterward, so after he got changed and cleaned up we had a chat.

I told Jimmy I had been kind of disappointed we hadn’t been able to have much fun that evening, and that I couldn’t give him more positive attention as he had been in trouble so much. It was a good discussion and it came down to telling him “you just need to learn to shut up and take the consequence staff gives you, because every time you argue it just gets you more time.” He laughed and said he knows. “I just can’t help myself.”

We also talked about why he always feels the need to pick at the other boys constantly until they want to beat him up. I was rather impressed with the amount of insight this little guy has when he is actually asked to think about his actions.

As usual I made sure to point out all Jimmy’s personality traits that make me like him so much and encouraged him to bring those out more when he’s with the other kids. Of course, the chances of that happening are probably remote, but at least he gets to hear from from one more person what his strengths are.

After this pleasant little chat, Jimmy gave me a big hug and we put fresh bedding on his bed before getting him off to sleep again. Just one more thing I enjoy about working the night shift. I primarily get to see the kids’ positive sides. And that really helps on the days I have to experience the negatives.

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!!!!

I had a little fun with one of the kids at work this morning.

Most nights I take a look at the kids' school reports as they're usually left on the staff desk. They're usually pretty much the same. Some kids almost always bring back 100 percent (behavioral point system) on their school report, while a couple normally have 10 percent.  Anyway, last night, one of the usual 100 percenters--I'll call him "Toby"  here-- not only had 100 percent, but "Student Of The Day" written in big letters across the sheet. Toby is one of the few boys who often gets up to use the restroom during the night, so I was hoping he would last night because I had a plan.

About 4:00 a.m. Toby comes to his bedroom door and asks to go to the bathroom.  When he finished, I called him over to the desk.  With a completely straight face I looked at him and said, "Toby, last night I discovered something you did, and I've got something to say about it."  I paused to let it sink in and let him stew a few seconds.  Then I picked up his school report, showed it to him, and changed my expression to a hearty smile as I said "GREAT JOB, BRO!"

It was fun to watch his face turn to relief and then a big smile in a split second. "You thought you were in trouble for a second, didn't you?" I said.  He said yes.  Then I gave him a pat on the back and said "Go get some good sleep buddy."

I love my job. It's fun when I have a good natured kid I can tease a bit like that without getting him angry.

Love Ain't Always Pretty

 *The following is an excerpt from what I've been writing on the book so far. Enjoy*

Sometimes love doesn't look very pretty. In fact, sometimes love can seem downright mean to a child in the moment of trying to get his way. I could recount many stories that would illustrate this, but the one I'm about to tell really hits close to home for me, because it involves a little boy who had latched on to me and I had grown very fond of. For the sake of this story I'll call him Joey. Joey was five years old and was a frequent bedwetter, and so I had to wake him in the night to use the restroom. Joey also often woke up with nightmares, so on my all-night shift I saw him frequently and had a chance to get very acquainted with him. Joey usually asked me to tuck him back into bed when he was up to the restroom or after having a nightmare. Normally I am more than happy to tuck a kid back in on request, but Joey had begun throwing a tantrum when I got him up to use the restroom. Because of this, I told him that I would tuck him back into bed as long as he got up without a fit. However, if he threw a tantrum he would have to simply go to bed without the extra attention. After all, if I rewarded his fit with special attention I can only imagine dealing with a screaming fit every night. On one occasion Joey immediately began crying and screaming when I woke him. After he finally went to the restroom I reminded him that he would need to go to bed on his own. You can imagine how well that went over. Little Joey continued to insist he wasn't going to bed unless I tucked him in. So my partner and I proceeded to go about our work, ignoring Joey, except to occasionally prompt him to go back to bed. Joey continued for nearly an hour, slowly getting less intense as he wore out. Finally he went back to bed and, I imagine, cried himself to sleep.

I'd like to tell you that, being a “professional,” I had a detached demeanor and was not at all bothered through all of this. But since I'm such a horrible liar, I guess I'll tell you how it really affected me. I mentioned before that I had grown somewhat attached to little Joey. If any of you reading this are parents, I'm sure you can relate to the anguish you go through when you have to let your child suffer because you know the result will be good for him or her. In regards to Joey, some would look at his behavior and say “oh, he's just trying to manipulate you to let him have his way.” That is definitely true. Children throw tantrums because they want you to give them what they want. But that's not the whole picture. Joey's tears were real at that moment. His desire for that special attention of being tucked in may seem unimportant on the surface, but to him it was a cry for affection—one which, by the way, was being refused. Of course he was upset.

When it comes to withholding affection, I generally recommend against it. However, since it can become an endorsement of negative behavior, sometimes affection just isn't appropriate for the moment. In these situations, I think it's important to make sure to touch base with the child after the situation is over to make sure they understand that your choice was not a rejection of him but a temporary delay.

In the situation I described with Joey, I made sure to talk to him the next time I saw him to explain to him that I liked him very much regardless of his behavior, and that I would like to see him get up to the restroom every night without a fit so that I would be able to tuck him in—because I enjoy those moments almost as much as he does. That wasn't the last such situation with Joey's tantrums when I got him up at night, but it did begin to improve.

You're A Meany--I Like You!

Sometimes I don't get why the kids at work seem to like me so well.  Okay, that's a lie, but sometimes it's for reasons that seem not to fit.

About a month back I arrived to work and as I approached the building I was surprised to see a boy who is almost NEVER awake when I get there wave at me from his bedroom window.  I found out why shortly thereafter when I arrived on the dorm to see this kid's roommate sleeping on a mattress in the common area. The two had been caught only 30 minutes earlier engaging in inappropriate behavior together, and reportedly had been doing so regularly when other staff were working third shift. The kids know better than to say they get away with stuff when I'm there because they all know how anal I am about keeping an eye on them.

I'm afraid I wasn't very nice to the boy who was still awake.  I could have at least greeted him back in a friendly manner since he was obviously happy to see me and had been friendly himself. I did have a short talk with him which I remember vividly:

Me: "You know what really disappoints me?"
Him: "What?"
Me: "You and (his roommate's name) had actually earned a little tiny bit of trust with me, and now that's gone. You're a great kid. I just wish I didn't have to worry about you sneaking around."

After that I sent him back to bed.  That night I more than tripled the number of room checks I do at night on that dorm to every 5 minutes (plus some surprises and any time I hear something of course), and I made it very obvious to him while he was still awake.

The following night I made sure to have a nicer, more affirming talk with him when he got up to use the restroom because I felt bad about being a little harsh and unfriendly the previous night. 

This is why I sometimes am surprised that the kids like me and even defend me, while they hate the other overnight guy who they say sleeps and doesn't do any work.  If these guys are sneaking around trying to get away with sexing their roommates up, I would think they'd hate me for being so vigilant and making it clear they will NEVER have the opportunity to get away with stuff like that while I'm on duty.

This all goes to demonstrate what is really important to kids.  They actually want someone to hold them accountable and keep them safe. It lets them know they're valued.

Unexpected Gratitude

I don't do what I do for the money or for glory, but it's really nice when the occasional kid expresses gratitude for some little thing.

Saturday night after bedtime, one boy came to his doorway asking if he could check his pants because he thought he left a pen and some other things in the pocket.  I had already started laundry, so it was a bit too late.  I told him this did tell him I'd look for the items he was worried about.  It was then that I decided to go and fish through the load to see if I could salvage his stuff before it was ruined.  I was able to fish out some of the items which weren't in danger of being ruined, but not the pen. So I took those items to him and assured him I'd still keep my eye out.

I was able to find the pen and the rest of the boy's stuff when I was transferring the clothes to the dryer. The pen was leaking ink and I figured it was ruined, but I figured I'd get it to him anyway. I left his stuff on his dresser along with the following note:

(name),

I think your pen may be ruined, but I was able to get it out of the washer along with the other things you were worried about.

I had pretty much forgotten all about it by last night when I arrived to work, but as I was bringing his clean clothes to his room to put on top of his dresser, I noticed the note I had written was still there. I was a bit surprised as this kid is always very good at keeping his room neat and the top of his dresser clear of items. When I looked at it, that's when I saw that he had left me a reply:

Thank you!!!
-P.S. The Pin works.

And of course I replied "You're welcome and I'm glad."

For all the times I get cursed at, hit, kicked, or have stuff thrown at me, these are the moments that remind me why I do what I do. Not for a thank you, but because I make some small difference in a child's life. I'm sure the kids appreciate what I do more often than I hear it from them, but it's always nice to hear it.

Hard Lessons and Jedi Mind Tricks.

I worked a double shift Saturday night.  As a third shift worker, I enjoy taking the occasional active shift in order to get to know the kids on my dorms better and keep my skills sharp.  I usually look forward to it, but it's a hit or miss depending on the day.

Sadly, my extra shift didn't really live up to my expectations, but then sometimes that adds up to even more than you could have expected. Fortunately, I can always pull out and hold on to the positives and learn from the negatives.

It's not generally politically correct to admit you have favorites, but then I've rarely been accused of being politically correct.  You're always gonna have favorites; you just have to recognize the fact and make sure to treat everyone equally. Anyway, there are a few of the boys I was really looking forward to working with and getting to know a little better. Unfortunately, it was a couple of those boys who stayed in trouble through the night and thus weren't able to do much.

There's one boy who I see somewhat often at night because he wets the bed. This provides a fair amount of one on one bonding time, and so I've grown quite fond of the little guy.  When it's just him, he's very pleasant and easy to handle.  However, get him around the other kids and you get constant drama.  One of the lessons I gleaned the other night came from both watching how my co-worker dealt with him and how I did.  This boy has massive boundary issues as well as a penchant for aggravating the hell out of his peers, so much of the time we had to separate him from them.  He spent a good part of the evening in what some might call "time outs."  I think most of the time this intervention might have been helpful, but our execution sometimes made things worse.  First of all, whenever we told him to go sit in a certain area, he began pleading for another chance.  My co-worker's approach was to increase his time because he was trying to beg off. At another time I found myself doing the same thing. The predictable result was more acting out in response to getting even worse consequences.  I think we both lost perspective.

So what do should we have done differently? First, when giving the boy his consequence, we could have improved by calling him over to talk face to face, and only then telling him what his consequence was, and for what behavior. Second, when he tried to beg off, simply sticking with the original consequence would have been better, and then reminding him he could go back to playing afterward. Third, I think the duration of the "time outs" was excessive. There were times when the boy complied for a good amount of time, only to still be sitting there not released to try again--resulting in him getting frustrated and acting out, only to earn more time.  And last, we really needed to give more positive feedback when he was doing well.

Another lesson I gleaned comes from a strategy I used with a fair amount of success in my early days in my field.  During TV time when the boys would start acting up, I simply switched off the TV and made it clear that I would turn it back on when the negative behavior stopped.  This was mostly a result of me being tired and impatient.  A better strategy would be to still have switched the TV off, but then discussed what was going on at that moment.  Perhaps we could have gotten some issues resolved and been able to get off the dorm for some gym time. I really think we missed an opportunity.

Those were the two biggest lessons I gleaned from the other night, but I also had an epiphany on Sunday morning as I sat in a worship service. I feel this was the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart.  All of a sudden a question came to me. I find it fairly easy to look at the kids I really enjoy and see how God is expressing Himself in and through their life and personality, but what if I looked at the ones I have a hard time getting along with and found His expression? How would that change how I saw them, dealt with them, valued them? That's an easy thing to say in a generic way, but what if I let it become a reality in my daily dealing with them?  Perhaps I'd make fewer stupid mistakes like the ones described above.

Okay, lessons learned is a good thing. Let's talk about the fun, pleasant moments.

*We had a little six-year-old from another dorm hanging out with us on our dorm. That little guy is a real pistol.  My co-worker spent a lot of time dealing with his negative behavior, having separated him from the older ones in an adjoining room. But when he wasn't acting up, we kept the little guy busy running back and forth across the dorm to demonstrate how fast he was, then varying the theme by having him do the same thing on hands and feet, crawling like an army man, and any other variation my co-worker could think of. Naturally some of the other boys wanted to get in on that act as well, so laughs were shared all around.

*When I arrived for the day I was immediately greeted enthusiastically by the boy who later spent most of his evening in time outs and such. I was treated to a hug and lots of chatter from him.  Throughout the evening I would periodically cheer him up by exploiting his inability to keep from cracking a smile and laughing whenever I told him sternly "you'd BETTER not smile" or gave him the evil eye.

*The second boy I had really been looking forward to working with was really having difficulty keeping his anger in check. Fortunately he was willing to chat with me about it and talk about what has helped him in the past with his anger. I was able to help him out because I'd seen him do it well the last time I worked an evening with him.  This same boy later started a little trend when he lay on the floor and stuck his legs up on a table, lifting his upper body in an amazing show of ab strength--especially since he's a pretty chunky kid.  He ended up showing the rest of the boys up as none of them--even the really trim ones--could do it more than once.

*The third boy I had really been looking forward to working with that day was just pleasant and fun in general that night, without any real standout moments. However, he WAS funny at bedtime when I went to say goodnight to him and found he had snuck a snack into his room. This kid is SO bad at being sneaky and dishonest because he always gives himself away.  I hope he never becomes a politician, because he can't lie to save his life.

*Then there's the fourth boy I had really been looking forward to working with. He's kind of a nerdy little guy, so naturally we hit it off really well when I worked with him the first time. He was just fun and pleasant in general and since he stayed out of trouble the whole night I was able to give him more positive personal attention throughout the evening. However, the most memorable moment was at bedtime when, out of the blue, he looked at me, waved his hand in a "jedi mind trick" move and said something like "you don't want to send us to bed now. You want to let us stay up late."  It was especially hilarious because I had been contemplating doing the same thing with another kid I knew would get the reference.  Well now I think I may have a new favorite kid--just kidding, but only slightly.

So by the time my normal 10pm-6am shift started and I had to go to the other dorm, I was already exhausted.  Fortunately, I was able to get through the night without any kids waking up to start drama, but my night was capped off with one little boy waking about 20 minutes before my shift ended. This kid often wakes early, but sits and plays in his bed quietly, so I had the opportunity to have a short little chat with him and give him positive feedback and encouragement.

What better way to end this post but with a limerick. But I don't do limericks, so y'all are gonna have to make do with this wholly unsatisfying last paragraph.  Heh. You see what I did there?

Where The Hell You At, Al?

It seems I have been neglectful. Fear not. Thoughts are brewing in this head of mine and I feel posts coming.