*The following is an excerpt from what I've been writing on the book so far. Enjoy*
Sometimes love doesn't look very
pretty. In fact, sometimes love can seem downright mean to a child in
the moment of trying to get his way. I could recount many stories
that would illustrate this, but the one I'm about to tell really hits
close to home for me, because it involves a little boy who had
latched on to me and I had grown very fond of. For the sake of this
story I'll call him Joey. Joey was five years old and was a frequent
bedwetter, and so I had to wake him in the night to use the restroom.
Joey also often woke up with nightmares, so on my all-night shift I
saw him frequently and had a chance to get very acquainted with him.
Joey usually asked me to tuck him back into bed when he was up to the
restroom or after having a nightmare. Normally I am more than happy
to tuck a kid back in on request, but Joey had begun throwing a
tantrum when I got him up to use the restroom. Because of this, I
told him that I would tuck him back into bed as long as he got up
without a fit. However, if he threw a tantrum he would have to simply
go to bed without the extra attention. After all, if I rewarded his
fit with special attention I can only imagine dealing with a
screaming fit every night. On one occasion Joey immediately began
crying and screaming when I woke him. After he finally went to the
restroom I reminded him that he would need to go to bed on his own.
You can imagine how well that went over. Little Joey continued to
insist he wasn't going to bed unless I tucked him in. So my partner
and I proceeded to go about our work, ignoring Joey, except to
occasionally prompt him to go back to bed. Joey continued for nearly an
hour, slowly getting less intense as he wore out. Finally he went
back to bed and, I imagine, cried himself to sleep.
I'd like to tell you that, being a
“professional,” I had a detached demeanor and was not at all
bothered through all of this. But since I'm such a horrible liar, I guess I'll
tell you how it really affected me. I mentioned before that
I had grown somewhat attached to little Joey. If any of you reading
this are parents, I'm sure you can relate to the anguish you go
through when you have to let your child suffer because you know the
result will be good for him or her. In regards to Joey, some would
look at his behavior and say “oh, he's just trying to manipulate
you to let him have his way.” That is definitely true. Children
throw tantrums because they want you to give them what they want.
But that's not the whole picture. Joey's tears were real at that
moment. His desire for that special attention of being tucked in may
seem unimportant on the surface, but to him it was a cry for
affection—one which, by the way, was being refused. Of course he
was upset.
When it comes to withholding affection,
I generally recommend against it. However, since it can become an
endorsement of negative behavior, sometimes affection just isn't
appropriate for the moment. In these situations, I think it's
important to make sure to touch base with the child after the
situation is over to make sure they understand that your choice was
not a rejection of him but a temporary delay.
In the situation I described with Joey,
I made sure to talk to him the next time I saw him to explain to him
that I liked him very much regardless of his behavior, and that I
would like to see him get up to the restroom every night without a
fit so that I would be able to tuck him in—because I enjoy those
moments almost as much as he does. That wasn't the last such
situation with Joey's tantrums when I got him up at night, but it did
begin to improve.
No comments:
Post a Comment